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Reparenting
Definition:
The process of meeting the unmet developmental needs from your childhood.
What to Do:
Warning: This process will likely stir up painful childhood memories, so you should always establish an internal sense of safety before working through these eight pillars.
This means developing the ability to recognize what is unsafe, and being able to take action to protect your physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or financial well-being.
This means developing the ability to identify, understand, and regulate your own emotions in healthy ways, as well as recognizing and understanding the emotions of others.
This refers to the ongoing process of understanding who you are as an individual, and figuring out how that person fits into the world around you.
This means developing your ability to think critically, retain and learn information, solve problems, and make conscious, well-informed decisions.
This means developing a personal sense of what is right and wrong, and the ability to apply ethical principles to make decisions and act in ways that are fair, just, and considerate.
This means developing the practical skills needed to function independently in your day-to-day life, and to participate as a capable, contributing member of society.
This means developing the ability to communicate and interact effectively with others, as well as understanding and responding appropriately to social cues.
This means developing the capacity to form and maintain secure relationships with others — and with yourself.
Why:
If you don’t develop the ability to recognize what is unsafe and take action to protect yourself, you can’t start making decisions based on what’s truly best for you.
So it’s like being stuck in the passenger seat of your own life.
You can try to give directions, maybe even reach for the steering wheel, but you’re still at the mercy of whoever or whatever is in the driver’s seat.
Learning how to protect yourself puts you in the driver’s seat — and from there, you can ensure that you, and the people who may depend on you, are always headed in the right direction.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
If you don’t develop the ability to identify, understand, and regulate your emotions in healthy ways, you can’t respond to life’s challenges in a healthy, productive way.
And if you can’t do this, life is like driving up an icy road with summer tires — instead of moving forward, you slowly slide backwards until you crash into something.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
If you don’t understand who you are as an individual and figure out how that person fits into the world around you, you’ll likely spend your whole life living out the identity others chose for you — instead of your own.
And this is a problem, because healing from narcissistic abuse and moving forward with your life requires clarity about what’s real and right for you.
Without that clarity, it’s like trying to land a plane in complete darkness.
You can’t see the runway, you don’t know what obstacles are in the way, and you’re not even sure if you’re at the right airport.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
If you don’t develop your ability to think critically, retain and learn information, solve problems, and make conscious, well-informed decisions, you will struggle to make good decisions that move your life forward.
When you struggle with this, the quality of your life will be dictated by the people around you.
It’s like being a leaf in the wind.
If you’re surrounded by people with good intentions, you’ll move in one direction — but if you’re surrounded by people with bad intentions, you’ll move in another.
It’s not a safe position to be in, and your life is way too valuable to leave it up to a coin toss.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
If you don’t develop a personal sense of what is right and wrong and the ability to apply ethical principles to make decisions and act in ways that are fair, just, and considerate, there’s a good chance you’ll end up living by someone else’s moral compass.
This can leave you far more vulnerable to narcissistic people — whether that’s a parent, partner, friend, co-worker, or anyone else you might cross paths with.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
If you don’t develop the practical skills needed to function independently in your day-to-day life and participate as a capable, contributing member of society, it’s nearly impossible to make it through the reparenting process.
Think of it like the story of The Three Little Pigs — you know, the one where each pig builds a house out of straw, sticks, or bricks.
The wolf blows the first two houses down — but he can’t blow down the brick one because it’s too strong.
Life skills are the building materials for the reparenting pillars — if you’re struggling with the basics, it’s like trying to build those pillars out of sticks and straw.
In a perfect environment, you might be able to get a few up, but without solid building materials, the moment life huffs and puffs, it can all come crashing down.
There are many different things that go into life skills — from cooking, to budgeting, to time management, to hygiene, to basic car maintenance.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent often forces children to adapt in dysfunctional ways.
Like people-pleasing, masking their emotions, or even self-sabotage.
Over time, these maladaptive coping mechanisms interfere with basic social development and make it difficult to form healthy relationships.
Rebuilding your social skills as an adult is what allows you to unlearn those patterns — and start connecting with others in ways that are safe, clear, and aligned with your needs and well-being.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
A secure relationship with others reflects secure attachment: it’s one where both people feel emotionally safe, mutually respected, and able to show up authentically.
A secure relationship with yourself is the ability to recognize your emotions, meet your needs, and stay connected to yourself rather than disconnecting, suppressing, or self-rejecting.
This is an important part of reparenting because narcissistic parents damage their children’s ability to form healthy relationships.
Instead of modeling secure relationships, they model narcissistic ones, that are often built on abuse, manipulation, and emotional immaturity.
As a result, their children tend to gravitate toward narcissistic people in adulthood — not because they want to, but because that dynamic feels normal and familiar.
Important: It’s a good idea to also look through the examples in the “How to Do It” section to see what this approach looks like in real life.
How to Do It:
These are examples of how other members of Unfilteredd have applied this in their own lives.
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Tips for Staying Consistent:
These are insights from other members of Unfilteredd about how they managed to stay consistent.
Coming soon.