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The Color Inventory

Purpose:

To help you let go of the person they pretended to be.

Instructions:

Step 1: Identify What “Colors” They Brought Into Your Life

This means listing how they made you feel before things took a turn for the worse.

You can do this by filling in the following sentence:

“In the beginning, they made me feel ____________.”

This could be things like:

– Seen
– Adored
– Alive
– Safe
– Special

Step 2: Identify the Emotional Need Underneath Each Color

In other words — what was the hole in your life that the color seemed to fill?

For example:

If one of your colors was feeling seen, the need underneath that might be validation.

If they made you feel needed, the need might have been purpose or a sense of belonging.

If you felt special, it might have been feeling like you mattered to someone.

A question you can ask to figure all this out is:

“Why did that feeling matter so much to me at the time?”

Step 3: Start Replacing Those Colors

How can you meet this underlying need without going back to your ex?

For a woman we’re currently working with, this underlying need was feeling seen — feeling like someone finally saw who she really was.

So she joined a poetry group and wrote pieces about the parts of herself she usually hides.

Here’s an update she recently gave:

“I’m glad I didn’t back out because standing up there, reading my story, and hearing people snap their fingers made me feel more seen than I ever did in that entire relationship.”

Does this mean she no longer misses the person her ex pretended to be?

No.

But she’s moving in the right direction — and that’s what matters most.

That said, if you don’t have access to a mental health professional, this step can feel a little tricky to do on your own.

But one thing you can try is using an AI tool like ChatGPT to help you brainstorm.

You can ask something like:

“I miss the person my narcissistic ex pretended to be because that person [insert underlying need]. Can you help me brainstorm healthy ways to meet this need without going back to them?”

And it’ll give you a great list you can work with.

Final Thoughts:

That version of them shouldn’t be erased or forgotten.

But you do need to find a healthy way to replace them.

Because if you don’t, you’ll stay loyal to a version of them that wasn’t designed to last.