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Manipulation Tactics:

This is when they try to make you doubt your sanity, memory, or perception of reality.

If you say “You promised you’d pick me up after work, but you never showed up,” they might respond “I never said I’d pick you up, you must be remembering wrong.”

This is when they directly or indirectly tell you what you feel isn’t real, right, or important.

If you say “I’m really hurt that you forgot my birthday,” they might respond “Are you being serious right now? You’re 31 years old, grow up, it’s just another day.”

This is when they blame someone or something else for their actions.

If you say “You broke the lamp,” they might respond “You’re the one who put it in a stupid spot.”

This is when they (often unconsciously) accuse you of the very things they’re doing themselves.

I think one of the most common projections our community has heard is when they accuse you of being “manipulative” or “a narcissist,” even though they’re the one showing all those traits.

This is when they change the standards or expectations.

You do exactly what they asked — like bringing ice to a party after they said that’s all they needed — and they respond, “Thanks, but why wouldn’t you bring cups too?”

This is when they shut down and refuse to engage in meaningful conversation.

You try to talk to them about something that’s bothering you, and instead of responding they just sit there in silence, give one-word answers, stare at their phone, and refuse to engage.

This is when they intentionally withdraw love, intimacy, or affection.

You try to reconnect after a big argument, but when you reach for their hand, they pull it away, refuse to let you get close, and tell you to “stop bothering” them.

This is when they make plans or promises they don’t intend to keep.

They talk excitedly about helping you pay off some debt or starting a business together, but every time you bring it up, there’s always an excuse and it never actually happens.

This is when they mix moments of positive treatment into long stretches of negative treatment.

They spend a month criticizing and invalidating everything you do, but then suddenly surprise you one weekend with a nice road trip like nothing ever happened.

This is when they flip the script and act like they’re the victim.

They crash your car after driving it without asking, but instead of apologizing they say, “Great, now you’re going to be mad at me, I always get blamed for everything.”

This is when they turn a 1-on-1 situation into a 2-on-1 situation by involving a third party.

You’re upset with them about something, and instead of hearing you out they say, “Why can’t you be more like [name]? They never make a big deal about stuff like this.”

This is when they spread lies, gossip, or damaging information about you to others.

They go behind your back and tell as many people as they can that you’re “unstable” or “can’t be trusted,” and even though none of it is true, it turns people against you.

This is when they deliberately provoke you with words or actions to get a reaction.

You open the fridge to grab a snack, and they ask, “Are you seriously eating again?”

This is when, after being confronted, they deny what they did, attack you, and then reverse the roles so they look like the victim and you look like the aggressor.

You confront them about a lie, and they might:

Deny: “I never said that, you’re making this up.”
Attack: “It’s unbelievable how miserable you are to be around, everyone hates you.”
Reverse: “Oh my gosh, I feel unsafe when you talk to me like this.”

This is when they have an intense outburst of anger or rage, seemingly out of nowhere.

You disagree with them over something small, like what to watch on TV, and they explode — yelling, slamming doors, and acting like you just betrayed them in the worst way possible.

It’s a lot like a child having a temper tantrum, only here it can escalate to physical abuse.

This is when they try to make you feel guilty to pressure you into doing what they want.

You tell them you can’t help them move this weekend, and they sigh and say, “Wow, after everything I’ve done for you, you can’t even do this one thing for me?”

This is when they suddenly distance themselves from you or cut you out of their life completely.

One week you’re talking every day, making plans and spending time together, and the next they’ve blocked your number or act like you don’t exist.

This is when they do or say things to try to pull you back into their life.

You haven’t heard from them in weeks, then they text you saying, “I know things got messed up between us, but I really don’t want to lose you. Can we just talk?”

This is when they slowly cut you off from friends, family, or other sources of support.

It can be direct, saying things like, “Why do you even hang out with them?” Or it can be indirect, like giving you the silent treatment or starting an argument when you spend time with others.

It can be overt, like raising their voice and stepping toward you during an argument, or it can be covert, like being silent and giving you a glare that makes you drop the subject

Narcissist vs Narcissistic

A lot of people hesitate to use the term “narcissistic abuse.”

When we ask why, we often hear things like, “I’m not sure if they’re a narcissist.”

If you can relate to this, there’s something you need to know.

There’s a big difference between being a narcissist and being narcissistic.

A narcissist is someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

This is something only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose.

So you’re right, you can’t be 100% sure they’re a narcissist.

A narcissistic person is someone who shows traits associated with NPD, such as manipulation.

So our advice is to stop trying to figure out if they’re a narcissist and instead focus on whether or not their behaviors are narcissistic because both can commit narcissistic abuse.