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How to Overcome Guilt

Hey! My name is Dr. Tanya Holthus.

I’m a Psychologist from Minnesota.

In this class, I will guide you through five strategies for overcoming the guilt that narcissistic abuse causes.

  • Warning: The content on this page discusses narcissism and narcissistic abuse. This subject may be triggering for some people. If you find yourself feeling triggered, please click here to watch our Trigger/Flashback Protocol.

Dr. Tanya Holthus’ Strategies

We recommend using If/When-Then Plans to implement Dr. Tanya Holthus’ advice effectively. Please click here to learn more about this research-backed approach.

First Strategy: Start Using Positive Affirmations

Second Strategy: Validate and Nurture Your Grief

Resource Alert

To help you put this strategy into practice, we’ve created an exercise. Give it a try – it’s designed to support your journey.

Materials Needed:

  • Paper or something else you can draw or paint on.
  • Colored pencils, markers, or paints.

Important Preparation Note:

Before you begin this exercise, plan an enjoyable or energizing activity that you can do afterward so you can lift yourself out of this space and not be stuck with negative emotions.

1.) Find an Appropriate and Safe Space

Choose a place where you feel secure and comfortable. 

2.) Observe Your Emotions

In your safe space, take a moment to notice your feelings of guilt and grief. Observe how these emotions surface and present themselves without judgment or trying to alter them.

3.) Conduct a Body Scan

Gently scan your body from head to toe. Pay attention to where you might feel these emotions physically. This could manifest as tension, discomfort, or other sensations.

4.) Express Through Drawing

Using paper and some colors, try to express these sensations and emotions through drawing. 

Don’t worry about artistic skills; focus on what shapes, sizes, textures, and colors come to mind when you think about your guilt and grief. 

This visual representation can help externalize and clarify your feelings.

5.) Be Present with Your Emotions

Spend some time with your drawing, allowing yourself to experience the emotions it represents fully, and let your body respond naturally.

This could involve crying, trembling, or any other form of emotional release. 

Doing this lets these emotions flow through and out of your body. It is a way of processing and releasing them rather than bottling them up.

6.) Engage in Soothing Techniques

After releasing these emotions, engage in activities that calm and soothe you. 

This could be deep breathing, light stretching, listening to soothing music, or any calming practice that helps you regain a sense of peace.

7.) Transition with a Joyful Activity

Now, take a moment to acknowledge the effort and strength it took to face these difficult emotions. Recognize your courage in this healing process. 

Then, engage in the joyful activity you planned before you started this activity to lift yourself out of this space and not be stuck with negative emotions.


Third Strategy: Examine Your Cultural Norms

Resource Alert

To help you put this strategy into practice, we’ve created a writing activity based on Dr. Tanya Holthus’ advice. Give it a try – it’s designed to support your journey.

  • What norms are in my culture that I feel I am supposed to live by?
  • Which do I agree with versus not?
  • Which are okay to negotiate and compromise? 
  • What are the pros and cons of acting oppositely or differently from these norms?
  • How would my friends, family, and community feel about this change?
  • How would it potentially change my relationships?
  • What sacrifices do I need to make to make some of these changes?
  • Are those sacrifices worth it for me for my own health and well-being?

Fourth Strategy: Imaginary Role-Play Exercise

Fifth Strategy: Competency-Based Value Exercise

Resource Alert

To help you put this strategy into practice, we’ve created a reflection activity. Give it a try – it’s designed to support your journey.

Step 1: List Your Top 10 Values

Task: Create a list of your top 10 values. If you need help figuring out where to start, please click here to watch our masterclass about reconnecting with your core values.

Step 2: Assess the Origin of Your Values

Question to Ask Yourself“Are these values a reflection of my authentic self, or are they a result of my traumas?” 

If they reflect your authentic self, please move on to the next step.

If they result from your traumas, click here to watch our masterclass about reconnecting with your core values after narcissistic abuse.

It will help you develop core values that align with your authentic self.

Step 3: Evaluate Alignment and Plan Changes

Question to Ask Yourself“Am I living my life according to these values?” If you aren’t living life according to your values, ask yourself, “What changes can I make?” 

Then, try to make those changes. Of course, this is much easier said than done. So, if you need any support, visit the community thread (see below). We’re always here to help.


Community discussion

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